Life has been steady, I've weathered the initial feelings of detachment and homesickness (some might say better than most, given my previous experience teaching abroad ), and yet, at times, somber feelings threaten to engulf me if I hold to them too tightly . A person doesn't leave the joy of home, of a loving family and bonny friends, unless they are searching for something. Especially Seattle (yeah, yeah, fuck you New Yorkers, your city sucks).
But what if he doesn't find what he's looking for right away? Or worse yet, what if he has no idea what he's even looking for? Some might say that tomorrow's problems can be dealt with tomorrow. Let the answers seek themselves. Poor advice for one such as myself. I have, for a long time, grown comfortable in the absence of change. These past few years life has led me through multiple jobs, new talents, and good friends, but one defining element cuts through all of this; a startling lack of ambition. I feel like there's an ocean of awesome out there, but I'm anchored at bay, restless yet stagnating. If I truly want to find my heart's calling, only I can weigh anchor. Perhaps moving from home to home in my childhood and always being cared for stunted my self-reliance, and with it my self-determination. When you come from a broken family, you accept the natural order of things at a foster home...without argument. And because of this childhood inurement, I find it much easier to ignore problems than to solve them. Saying 'ignore' is not quite correct. What I truly excel at is convincing myself that I'm better off without something, rather than fixing the situation. Even now my computer spouts warnings about an imminent failure of the hard disk. Other than back up my documents, I've done nothing to fix my computer, only cut back its use, merely waiting for the inevitable. And why not? I've been playing too many flash games and looking at porn anyway. Is my life not better now? It's a hollow solace; I could fix my problem and work up the willpower to not while away my time on bullshit. But the Guang Hua Electric Market is kind of far away...and it's kind of a pain in the ass...
This is often the way I 'deal' with problems. What then is not the biggest problem tugging at the corners of a man's soul than how to find his place in the world? Or to prove his worth to himself?
I often think about who I would've been had I been born hundreds of years ago, eking out an existence through the honest toil of my own two hands. There would be no existential quandary, just the understanding that only through will and determination could I prosper, and the fierce joy coming from such living. Life for so many today consists of working in an office for years and years; man no longer provides for himself, does not chop his own fuel, or hunt his own food, build homes or chairs, or sew clothing. Instead they march in lock-step towards glass buildings 9-5, toiling in front of glass screens, returning home to relax in front of bigger glass screens...
I did not live then, however, so I will never know who I might have been. I can only move forward. I only know I will finish this year of teaching. Not for myself, not even to avoid the shame of sitting at home jobless, but for my students. I can't let these children build a relationship with another adult only to leave them a few months later. Although it seems that's happening anyway. I will finish my contract and then I will find what I want. Maybe in good honest work with my two hands. I think I would like that.
As I've gotten older my perspective has changed on almost everything, even something as broad as the very act of learning. Learning as a child has no motivation. Even spoiled, lazy shits are naturally curious about something. Everything needs to be justified when you're older though. When I first started learning Chinese I didn't think of it as a future vocation, yet I still applied myself. I love languages, a love instilled in me by both my parents. Junior year of high school I knew I wanted to make a career out of it, so I worked even harder, but I still had no definite idea of what that career might be. Studying Chinese wasn't a means to anything, it was the means itself. It just felt right throwing myself into something constructive, extracting every measure of knowledge with due diligence. It was an attitude that would serve me throughout college. As long as I became damn good at Chinese, the jobs would come. Now, as an adult, I find not only that my Chinese is less practical in the job market than I thought, but you need to have a more relentless attitude towards finding jobs. And I have no complaints about that, or regrets about my approach to learning; knowledge should be pursued for its own sake. The joy of every new insight gained is irreplaceable. A person who doesn't thirst to know more about the world around them touches me with a profound sadness. It's like a person who hears the chords of a song and feels nothing, or who can look upon snow-capped mountains in the horizon and feel not a whisper of anything on the barren landscape of their own soul.
I fear the same kind of blight is creeping into my own soul. Learning no longer seems the joy it used to be. Having studied Chinese so long, I find myself armed with a double-edged sword-if I'm able to understand Chinese in a natural setting then I feel no great sense of accomplishment; I should be expected to understand most anything with little difficulty, or so I've lead myself to believe. If I don't understand something flawlessly, I'm disappointed, as if all my schooling has been a waste. No amount of information can satisfy my hunger, which is not nearly as great as it sounds. I'm no longer a full-time student, so the time I spend studying doesn't follow a regular schedule. Words are often forgotten as quickly as they are memorized. Thus studying serves only to bring about a sense of backslide rather than progress. I'm reminded of the antagonists of David Gemmel's novels, massive armies that must keep conquering, sacking city after city for the gold needed to supply their growing numbers. Finally, bloated by their own success, they fall to an enemy unhindered by the constraints of a large empire, or must inevitably turn upon themselves.
Increasingly, I find this attitude towards Chinese being applied to other areas where I have far less expertise. If I don't understand something to the most intricate detail then I've failed, somehow. Is that right? It shouldn't be. Any knowledge gained propels a man forward, every mote or sliver that crystallizes through effort can slowly accumulate to produce ingots of success. It's not necessary to pump out such ingots at breakneck speed, or for knowledge to be thought of only as a tool. Perhaps that's one reason for my growing discontent. Even engaged in leisurely self-study, or pleasure reading, I'm reminded by my lack of knowledge. God, I've learned so much about myself in the many hours of solitude here. Maybe I've known them all along, but lacked the moments of self-introspection to face them. Still, realization is not enough. Only by discarding this self-destructive thinking can I find true happiness. Ha, sounds like I'm at it again with my perfectionist attitude.
One thing that's been a concern lately is money. Unlike China, where I couldn't spend my $600/month quickly enough, here I'm consistently worried if I'll make it through to the end of the month without having to draw money from my back account back home. It's funny, I had no qualms about spending money when I had no job, but now that I'm living in a country where the cost of living is much cheaper I'm more mindful of trying to live within my means. It seems every month some random expense pops up: a wedding, bar visits (those really make a dent in the old wallet), a French press to replace my broken one, bills, other bullshit. These alone sap my personal coffers, but right now I'm getting $5000 NT deducted from each paycheck for the $30000 NT loan I took out. That $5000 would sure give me some breathing room, especially with an 18 hour/week schedule. And I'm still getting taxed at a crippling 19% until I've been here for six months. I'll get a huge refund at a certain point, but that does me little good now.
The first thing I showed my SA 10 class on my last day with them was a picture of the old 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego' game. In their student books they have a mini comic about 'the Chameleon', a master disguise-artist who travels the world stealing priceless artifacts...dressed in a long red trench coat and wide-brimmed fedora. Yeah. Good thing the copyright laws in Taiwan are so loose. Max, one of my students with a personality, immediately showed interest in the game. He loves learning about different countries, and has an international coin collection he showed me once. Hell, he's like a younger version of me. I told him I'd try to find the Chinese name of the game if it existed. Took me back to my childhood, when I used to watch the game show with my brother, back when they had game shows like that. And I remembered what unbridled joy learning used to be. Games like the Magic School Bus, an old Eyewitness interactive knight game, an illustrated Greek/Roman history book, all these various games and books flood my memory now. I did a google search back home and smiled a little at a snapshot of the old PC Carmen Sandiego game. God damn that game was hard (the game show was pretty hard too). I should thank students like Max. When I hold too tightly to these jaded musings, making them a part of me, these kids can help me look back at the golden times, and pluck them out of time's reach. In doing so, maybe I'm forced to let slack my grip on more familiar burdens. Just a little.
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